Think Happy!

My background, spiritually speaking, is in Christianity. (I was an “anabaptist” Christian, which is similar to being a Quaker – not really the Bible-bashing type.) I no longer call myself a Christian, which is a topic I may get into sometime, but I still have a great deal of respect for the teachings of Jesus.

One of the things Jesus is reported to have said – and which anabaptists took particularly seriously – is:

‘Let your “Yes” by Yes and your “No” be No.’

It comes in a context where Jesus tells his students not to swear oaths. His reasoning seems to be that if they just tell the truth then they don’t need to. It’s pretty basic stuff, but it’s still interesting to see the Church squirm out of it and carry on swearing oaths and qualifying their truth in some way. Or, just like whenever it suits them!

(Of course, this is not a value unique to Christians. One of the five Buddhist precepts is to “refrain from false speech.”)

Anyway, for a number of years I’ve taken those words to heart and am glad of it. So, I was interested to hear about a book by Psychologist Brad Blanton, entitled ‘Radical Honesty’. Here’s a snippet from a promo video.
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The one exception I have to what I’ve heard of this book, is that I don’t think it’s necessary to be mean-spirited with people. If your Grandma bakes you cookies – to use the example in the clip above – and you don’t like them, then it’s time to re-examine your heart. Your gran just made you cookies, what’s wrong with you?! That’s like me saying to my little daughter, “Nope, sorry, I didn’t like that cuddle.” Brad Blanton, above says in effect, “Your grandma will get over it, if she doesn’t like the truth you dish out”, but I’d like to think that being completely honest does not rule out being sensitive, particularly to those who might be feeling vulnerable.

A favourite story of mine involves Menno Simons, an early anabaptist leader. Back in the 17th century Catholics and Protestants joined forces in condemning the anabaptists for refusing to acknowledge the authority of the Church. They drowned, burned, imprisoned and beheaded as many as they could find. So, the story goes that Menno Simons was sat with a driver at the front of a horse and carriage when they were stopped by the authorities. They were asked, “Is Menno Simons in that carriage?” and Menno learned inside and asked, “Is Menno Simons in there?” before looking back up and saying, “No, sir.”

My own experience has suggested that the more I have practiced complete honesty, the more sensitive I have become to other people. Think of it this way, if I give myself the option of lying, then I never have to really think about what I want to say. I could just say what I think the other person wanted to hear and be on my way. (The only problem really arises when you have to think of lies to back-up your earlier lies.) However, if I am committed to telling the truth – even when I don’t want to – then it gives me reason to pause and think about how I am going to say what I have to say and how it is received.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there:

“Do you like my new haircut?” Um… I like your dress!

So, I know it’s not easy and I’ve felt the pain that comes from having to tell the truth. However, when we have practiced telling the truth, so much so that we’ve learned to do so skillfully and with the awareness of the consequences, there are not really that many of those ‘Grandma’s Cookies’ moments. One of the reasons for this is that living truthfully means that you begin to become aware of the ‘truth’ in any given scenario. The truth in Blanton’s example if that you value your Grandma and you know that it would have taken her a great deal of time and care to make cookies, not to speak of the truth of the love that she packed in each one. It’s also true that your opinion matters a great deal to her and she is genuinely concerned that you might be peckish. So, the truthful answer to the question of how you respond to Grandma’s cookies is that you love ‘em!

(I also like to think that radical truth-tellers learn to anticipate circumstances when they might be tempted to lie or tell a hard truth, but that’s another point.)

And what you then end up with is people who know they can rely on you, people who will come to you when they really need to know the truth and the assurance that comes from knowing you don’t have to cover your own tracks plus a happy grandma a plate full of cookies!